is he serious?

you know what's funny? people think i actually like doing what i do. i haven't been threatened yet, but i've had to listen to a whole lot of comments from people who don't even do anything on campus.. and some from people who are involved, but that's allowed.
and for those people who are interested in my side of the story instead of being stuck up paos- certain people who are cribbing asked me for permission to say things at one of the meetings. certain people who have been asked to help out have flaked. certain people who... ah never mind... i didn't know what things would be like...
oh and i don't want to be there next year... i've had pretty much enough.
i know i deserve whatever i'm getting- i haven't been nice for most of the year. but how many of you actually want to know what i'm going through? how many of you know that i exist except when you want notes? i know who my real friends are even though they sometimes say hurtful things (never said i didn't). as for the insinutaion that i'm on a power trip: what power? i have no rights, only responsibilities.
go ahead and criticise me- because that's all you can do.
bises to some. and a whole bag of bullshit to the others.

is it true?

there is a lot of frustration attached to the person i am- and a whole lot of expectations of other people that contribute to the frustration. for a while the person i was (and thus the expectations) depended on the people i was related to: whose sister i was, whose cousin, whose grand child...heredity was apparently more important than environment. of course my legendary sister still plays a huge role in governing what people expect from me. and i never know quite what to do with those expectations. shove them? where? the little ball of anger inside is going to implode if i put any more pressure on it.
do you know what amazes me even more than the fact that people won't let me be my own person? the fact that they don't appreciate me even when i am a doormat and then have the audacity to get annoyed with me when i do lose my cool.
what else? oh yes- i am a little hurt that certain people think i am not a good leader. as far as i know, i was one until last year. what makes a good leader? who judges? is a good leader one who delegates? someone who by virtue of being respected never bows down to anyone? never compromises? never tries to lessen the load on the rest of the team? i need answers!
oh and another thing- how the hell are you supposed to get answers when the voice inside your head (not your conscience, but the one that is you) doesn't answer you anymore?
honestly, i don't know why i care. i'm so tired. tired of college, tired of most of the people i know, tired of everything...but those of you who do know me and do care what happens to me- don't worry. it's not like i'd ever act on a suicidal impulse. i am neither courageous nor a coward.
one last observation: truth is a relative concept.

blah...hee hee hee!

i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep cos i'll miss u babe n i don't wanna miss a thing...
oops do i need permission to quote aerosmith?
wow- have been such a hyperactive person today, its funny!
why is everyone starting to go out with someone now? the deadline draws nearer... so? it does for me too n u don't see me throwing myself at anyone or being all slutty. btw who defines sluttiness and what is the definition of sluttiness? ( Kari, darlin i just want someone else's perspective- am sure you n ttd were completely correct in your assessment of that situation)

xavrant

today was a pretty good day, all things considered. just a couple of things pissed me off though:
1. why in the world do we have value education lectures? there is seriously no point in them. very few people actually attend them, and those who do attend are either going to be voluntarily powerless their whole lives or are those who know the difference between right and wrong already. what can you learn about values, ethics that your parents haven't already taught you?

2. is there such a thing as a 'cheap idea'? well in this context at least: i think shilpa shetty's winning big brother is a matter of pride for indians because it means that on some level we are beating white people at their own game. is my patriotism cheap? my racist attitude is (which i acknowledge- i don't hate all white folk though, just those who are racist themselves, like those fools on big brother).

3. i like being a girl sometimes. i hate it sometimes. does that make me feminist or not? i think men can be bastards sometimes- all of them, just like women can be bitches. does that mean i'm disloyal?


i think i should be allowed to define what i want to be, i think that if someone pisses me off or doesn't respect me enough to accept that i see things differently, i should be able to tell that person that i dislike their dismissal of my mind. i shouldn't have to worry about repercussions.
i dreamt the other night that i stood up for the rights of all my college mates... i hope for a day...

happy days are here again

hmmm....i discovered today that i am too uptight. may be i'll get ulcers n die...ugh-morbid
today is good-today is good-today was good.
today the first 2 ppl i told i liked somone told me that he was LOOKING at me, in a more-than-friends kind of way.
its insane how just hearing that ca make a person happy. it could also be the sugar rush from all the glucose i consumed today...
hmmmm...
whatever!
sunday monday happy days...

numero deux

ooh! two posts in one day! how cool is that?
i have realised that my blog is very egocentric. i'm sorry. i should talk about the shit the world is going through, not just the shit i'm going through (which is actua crap, and exists nowhere except in my mind).
naac is coming next month. they will be on campus from the 13th to the 15th. why? they will ruin valentine's day!

experiments in futility

1. existence
2. having crushes
3. trying to assimilate every idea u have ever read or heard
4. having principles, standards that other people don't get

he he. so beside the fact that i feel like a hypocrite a failure and a disappointment, my life seems to be going rather well. how about yours?

man i can be such a depressing person!

NO! made up my mind t be better....will be better....will try to be better. or is that just anither experiment in futility?

happy new year!

Happy new year everybody!
wanna be better this year- the spirit is willing...
yes, i realise its only the 31st of december and le jour de l'an isn't till tomorrow- so? i like to be ahead of the times. :P
take care of yourselves- i've learned it isn't being selfish. if u r happy with urself (and that includes physical appearance) i find that chances are u'll be better equipped to handle all the paos, poeys and mannas you encounter. (i love konkani! simple words like these can be soooo insulting!)
out of the mouth of babes, eh kari?
traffic is already crazy in my neck of the sandy grey woods. it always is at this time of year.
make a resolution- fight for goa. please don't be like all the pathetic, apathetic people who think everything is a joke. this land is ours and no one has the right to take it from us.
its more important than even plus points- and any xavierite knows how important that is!
that's all folks! ( for this year, at least)