is he serious?

you know what's funny? people think i actually like doing what i do. i haven't been threatened yet, but i've had to listen to a whole lot of comments from people who don't even do anything on campus.. and some from people who are involved, but that's allowed.
and for those people who are interested in my side of the story instead of being stuck up paos- certain people who are cribbing asked me for permission to say things at one of the meetings. certain people who have been asked to help out have flaked. certain people who... ah never mind... i didn't know what things would be like...
oh and i don't want to be there next year... i've had pretty much enough.
i know i deserve whatever i'm getting- i haven't been nice for most of the year. but how many of you actually want to know what i'm going through? how many of you know that i exist except when you want notes? i know who my real friends are even though they sometimes say hurtful things (never said i didn't). as for the insinutaion that i'm on a power trip: what power? i have no rights, only responsibilities.
go ahead and criticise me- because that's all you can do.
bises to some. and a whole bag of bullshit to the others.

is it true?

there is a lot of frustration attached to the person i am- and a whole lot of expectations of other people that contribute to the frustration. for a while the person i was (and thus the expectations) depended on the people i was related to: whose sister i was, whose cousin, whose grand child...heredity was apparently more important than environment. of course my legendary sister still plays a huge role in governing what people expect from me. and i never know quite what to do with those expectations. shove them? where? the little ball of anger inside is going to implode if i put any more pressure on it.
do you know what amazes me even more than the fact that people won't let me be my own person? the fact that they don't appreciate me even when i am a doormat and then have the audacity to get annoyed with me when i do lose my cool.
what else? oh yes- i am a little hurt that certain people think i am not a good leader. as far as i know, i was one until last year. what makes a good leader? who judges? is a good leader one who delegates? someone who by virtue of being respected never bows down to anyone? never compromises? never tries to lessen the load on the rest of the team? i need answers!
oh and another thing- how the hell are you supposed to get answers when the voice inside your head (not your conscience, but the one that is you) doesn't answer you anymore?
honestly, i don't know why i care. i'm so tired. tired of college, tired of most of the people i know, tired of everything...but those of you who do know me and do care what happens to me- don't worry. it's not like i'd ever act on a suicidal impulse. i am neither courageous nor a coward.
one last observation: truth is a relative concept.